Remember when you were a kid and your parents said something that you swore you would never say to your kids? Well folks we do tend to turn into our parents, and like our parents we have all found out, whether you actually raised any kids or not, that dealing with teenagers is kind of like nailing Jello to a tree.
And dealing with teenagers forces us to say things like:
Because I said so, that's why!
I can always tell when you're lying to me.
Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
Because as long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.
This is just to name a few, and sometimes more than a few can come out of our mouths all at once.
Like the time our daughter Melissa was leaving to go out running around with her girlfriends, she was probably sixteen at the time. Cindy and I were sitting on the front porch and Melissa came hurriedly out the door heading for her car. I immediately noticed that her shorts were too short...in my opinion.
I simply said, Melissa get back in the house and put some clothes on, You are not leaving this house looking like that. That was when everything that my Mom had said to me as a teen started forming on my tongue.
But Why? Melissa asked. Then it happened, Because I SAID So, that's why! No Daughter of mine is going to go out looking like that. But all the girls are wearing shorts like this, she said. I found myself replying, If all of the girls jumped off a cliff, would you jump off of one too?
I'm not stupid you know, Why would I jump off a cliff? You better Watch your mouth, young lady! Why? Because I SAID so, that's why! If God wanted your ass hanging out, clothes would have never been invented!
Melissa: You don't trust me, I'm not letting my a-a-a butt hang out, nothings going to happen!
Jimmy: It's not that I don't trust you, I don't trust everybody else.
Melissa: As she is stomping her way back into the house, she cries, I hate living here, I wish I was an adult already!
Jimmy: You know Melissa, when you have kids I hope they are just like you.
She came back out wearing jeans, and I am positive that she was still wearing her shortie shorts underneath. She left the storm door swinging, as she ran out the second time. Melissa you didn't close the door, I yelled at her as she approached her car. She comes back and slams it shut. Melissa, I said for you to close the door not slam it, now come back here and close that door! She just kept going that time, and I really don't blame her.
And speaking of slamming doors, she and I went through all of this again later on. She had gotten into the habit of slamming her bedroom door to accentuate her anger at something her mom had said, anything her brothers had done, the fact that I got to park in the driveway and she had to park on the curb (but this is a whole other post), or simply because she was a teenage girl and teenage girls anger easily.
One night she stomped down the hall and slammed her door. I yelled, Melissa, come out here! She stepped into the hallway and said, WHAT! In that typical teenage tone. I told her to go back into her room and close the door normally. She stepped back inside and SLAM!! went the door.
Melissa, I said for you to close the door not slam it, now come back in here and close that door properly! The door opened without her ever coming out and Slammed once more. Slam it one more time and you are losing it, I yelled to her. She stepped out into the hallway and commenced shouting how the world was so hard and that nobody understands how they should just leave kids alone and to quit bothering them about little things like doors...
Then she finished her tirade and stepped back into her room, and guess what? Yes you guessed it, she Slammed her door. I got up out of my chair and went to the garage.
I'm sure Cindy thought that I was just going out to work on one of my projects, but when I came immediately back in she said, Oh my God, Jimmy! What are you going to do? I'm sure that she thought I was going to bop Melissa in the head, so she joined me as I carried a Hammer and screwdriver to Melissa's room.
Amid Melissa's screaming and crying "It's Not Fair!" I tapped the pegs out of her door hinges and laid the door on edge, propping it up against the wall in the hallway. When you decide that you can close the doors without slamming them, I will give you your door back. I hate you, was her reply...This is a common reply when you are raising kids. They really don't hate you because they love you to death when they want something.
Melissa did get her door back after a failed attempt at reinstalling it herself, I walked down the hall while she was trying to line up the hinges, I took hold of the door and she actually thought that I was going to hold it so she could put the pins back into the hinge, as I walked down the hallway with her door I heard her yelling behind me. It's not fair! I hate you!
She lived with a sheet thumb tacked over her door frame for three or four days before she finally came to Cindy and I promising to never slam her door again, she apologized and asked if she could get her door back. I went right out and brought her door back into the house, and Melissa helped me re hang her door. To my knowledge she never slammed it again.
This is only a couple of incidents with just one of our children, there were many more times she screamed "I hate you", but like Cindy has told her "as long as you tell me that you hate me just means that I am doing my job right, because I love you."
I actually had tears in my eyes after a random phone call I got from Melissa not long ago. She said to me, Jimmy you have always been good to us, and you have always loved us kids as much as you love Momma, but I never told you how much I love you for that, I just wanted to call and tell you that I really do love you.
I was speechless because Melissa isn't one to get emotional (not since she has grown up anyways), She asked if I was still there, I said, Yes I'm still here, Melissa I have always loved you kids. She said, yeah I know but I never told you I love you very often, and before this call starts getting weird, I'm going to hang up now. We ended the call with both of us laughing.
To tell you the truth I will always cherish that call.
And dealing with teenagers forces us to say things like:
Because I said so, that's why!
I can always tell when you're lying to me.
Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
Because as long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.
This is just to name a few, and sometimes more than a few can come out of our mouths all at once.
Like the time our daughter Melissa was leaving to go out running around with her girlfriends, she was probably sixteen at the time. Cindy and I were sitting on the front porch and Melissa came hurriedly out the door heading for her car. I immediately noticed that her shorts were too short...in my opinion.
I simply said, Melissa get back in the house and put some clothes on, You are not leaving this house looking like that. That was when everything that my Mom had said to me as a teen started forming on my tongue.
But Why? Melissa asked. Then it happened, Because I SAID So, that's why! No Daughter of mine is going to go out looking like that. But all the girls are wearing shorts like this, she said. I found myself replying, If all of the girls jumped off a cliff, would you jump off of one too?
I'm not stupid you know, Why would I jump off a cliff? You better Watch your mouth, young lady! Why? Because I SAID so, that's why! If God wanted your ass hanging out, clothes would have never been invented!
Melissa: You don't trust me, I'm not letting my a-a-a butt hang out, nothings going to happen!
Jimmy: It's not that I don't trust you, I don't trust everybody else.
Melissa: As she is stomping her way back into the house, she cries, I hate living here, I wish I was an adult already!
Jimmy: You know Melissa, when you have kids I hope they are just like you.
 |
| Melissa wearing jeans and walking on our block fence |
And speaking of slamming doors, she and I went through all of this again later on. She had gotten into the habit of slamming her bedroom door to accentuate her anger at something her mom had said, anything her brothers had done, the fact that I got to park in the driveway and she had to park on the curb (but this is a whole other post), or simply because she was a teenage girl and teenage girls anger easily.
One night she stomped down the hall and slammed her door. I yelled, Melissa, come out here! She stepped into the hallway and said, WHAT! In that typical teenage tone. I told her to go back into her room and close the door normally. She stepped back inside and SLAM!! went the door.
Melissa, I said for you to close the door not slam it, now come back in here and close that door properly! The door opened without her ever coming out and Slammed once more. Slam it one more time and you are losing it, I yelled to her. She stepped out into the hallway and commenced shouting how the world was so hard and that nobody understands how they should just leave kids alone and to quit bothering them about little things like doors...
 |
| Don't you love the sound of slamming doors. |
I'm sure Cindy thought that I was just going out to work on one of my projects, but when I came immediately back in she said, Oh my God, Jimmy! What are you going to do? I'm sure that she thought I was going to bop Melissa in the head, so she joined me as I carried a Hammer and screwdriver to Melissa's room.
Amid Melissa's screaming and crying "It's Not Fair!" I tapped the pegs out of her door hinges and laid the door on edge, propping it up against the wall in the hallway. When you decide that you can close the doors without slamming them, I will give you your door back. I hate you, was her reply...This is a common reply when you are raising kids. They really don't hate you because they love you to death when they want something.
Melissa did get her door back after a failed attempt at reinstalling it herself, I walked down the hall while she was trying to line up the hinges, I took hold of the door and she actually thought that I was going to hold it so she could put the pins back into the hinge, as I walked down the hallway with her door I heard her yelling behind me. It's not fair! I hate you!
She lived with a sheet thumb tacked over her door frame for three or four days before she finally came to Cindy and I promising to never slam her door again, she apologized and asked if she could get her door back. I went right out and brought her door back into the house, and Melissa helped me re hang her door. To my knowledge she never slammed it again.
This is only a couple of incidents with just one of our children, there were many more times she screamed "I hate you", but like Cindy has told her "as long as you tell me that you hate me just means that I am doing my job right, because I love you."
I actually had tears in my eyes after a random phone call I got from Melissa not long ago. She said to me, Jimmy you have always been good to us, and you have always loved us kids as much as you love Momma, but I never told you how much I love you for that, I just wanted to call and tell you that I really do love you.
I was speechless because Melissa isn't one to get emotional (not since she has grown up anyways), She asked if I was still there, I said, Yes I'm still here, Melissa I have always loved you kids. She said, yeah I know but I never told you I love you very often, and before this call starts getting weird, I'm going to hang up now. We ended the call with both of us laughing.
To tell you the truth I will always cherish that call.
the door trick was pretty clever. Never would have been done by my mother, she didn't have a clue how to take it off or on.
ReplyDeleteHey Adam, I really like the fact that I only had to do it once.
DeleteI've caught my self acting and sounding like my parents...And it even piss my self off few times. Coffee is on
ReplyDeleteHello Dora, Isn't it funny how you don't even catch what you said until after it's all said and done, it is nothing you think about, just flows out of your mouth naturally.
DeleteYOu never really knownif you did your parenting job right until they're about 39. Seems like you did pretty good.
ReplyDeleteYes Joe, you don't really notice it until they are grown, I am really proud of how all of our kids turned out, we are blessed. Thank you my friend.
DeleteYou had tears in your eyes. I have them in mine.
ReplyDeleteYou done good. And hooray for Melissa telling you.
Hello EC, I was genuinely touched when she called specifically to talk with me, and then when she told me this I really was overwhelmed, she is a great daughter and I do love her.
DeleteOh the joys of raising teenagers! I don't think I'll be around when grandson hits that age, but I sure would like to see what trouble he may cause and how that is handled. His father (our son) sure kept us on our toes during those years.
ReplyDeletebetty
Hi Betty, Raising teenagers is definitely a challenge and there is no handbook because each of them are different from our experiences. Your son having kept you on your toes will get his paybacks with his son, we see this already with our grandson being so much like his dad when he was a kid, we just sit back and laugh.
DeleteFrom reading this post I think I was to soft with our kids, and that probably explains why they are the rebels they are now! Nice story with a happy ending.
ReplyDeleteHello Joey, I sometimes think that I was too hard but evidently we both did just fine because we got them all raised, and you have a beautiful grandbaby to boot.
DeleteI've gone all emotional! I remember all this happening to me and mine.
ReplyDeleteTalkng about scripts, I think we all have one and they're all the same wording.
Hello Valerie, I think you are absolutely right, there are some unwritten scripts out there somewhere that are embedded into us as soon as we become parents that read exactly the same, causing us to use the same terminology when dealing with kids ;-)
DeleteAlthough I don't remember the instance where I first used a "momism", I do recall how flabbergasted I was that I actually....said.....that. It might have been "because I said so!" or "my roof, my rules". Who knows? But thank you for the reminder of the crazy things that we'll hear out of our own kids when they're parents someday. :-)
ReplyDeleteI am waiting on that day also, I am surprised I haven't heard any of it out of Tim (Benjamin's Dad) yet, I am going to laugh the minute that I recognize any of those terms come out of his mouth though. ha ha.
DeleteThat's the kind of call every parent would like to get....My daughter is forever saying OMG that sounded just like you didn't ir? Yup.
ReplyDeleteHey Delores, I was really pleasantly surprised with that call and I hope each and everyone of you get one just like it, because it really felt nice.
DeleteI bet you had to smile the minute your daughter said "OMG that sounded just like you didn't it?"
What a great post---so funny, true and heartwarming at the end. My mom had a different solution for when my brother slammed a door in anger. She took the car keys out of his hand and said, "If you like slamming doors so much, stand there and slam it 100 times. You'll get your keys back when you're finished."
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Jean I can just imagine the look on your brothers face when she had him slamming the door 100 times, I bet that was a one time deal for him also...Good thinking on your Mom's part.
DeleteThank you Jean I appreciate you my friend.
Funny how they understand things when they are all grown up. The circle of understanding.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day. ☺
Hi Sandee, I like to say "The older I get, the smarter my parents become" because like you said it does take us growing up to understand what our parents had to go through with us.
DeleteA Great day to you too.
I had younger kids but I became a stepfather to a 15 & 16 year old awhile back. After one of my first "major" punishments, I was taking the 15 year old daughters laptop and she told me that I couldn't take her stuff because I wasn't her father. I just looked her in the eyes and said, "I married your mom, therefore, by law, I am your stepfather. Which means I can take any and everything from you. If I want to go in your bedroom and take every piece of furniture and clothing from you, I will. Go ahead and try me." From that day on, we had minor scuffles but she knew not to push to far.
ReplyDeleteWe also had a door incident, she went in her room and I heard the door click. I knocked on the door and told her we don't lock doors in this house. She argued and I told her that I will remove the door if she doesn't unlock it. She unlocked it and never had that problem again.
We had our battles but she is now 22 and we've got a decent relationship. I'd like it to be better but she doesn't live around us anymore so we just don't get to see her as much. I do gets hugs and I love you's when we are together which is way more then I ever thought I would back in those days.
Hello Jeff, I completely understand the whole step-parenting thing and have basically been through each thing you described, I know each of you have figured out from the length of time Cindy and I have been married and the Kids ages that they are actually my step children, I have always tried to treat them as my own and always refer to them this way, but especially at first it was a hard learning curve for sure.
DeleteYour comment has me thinking of a post on this exact subject.
As you mentioned early on you have to establish the rules with the kids and to be firm while being there for them at the same time, you getting hugs and I love you's from her now is actually a good sign showing that you are still considered a part of her life, in other words you did it right my friend.
I've always said we either become our parents, or we become the exact opposite. (and often times, a little bit of both.) My favorite line with my girls at this stage was "no where is it written in blood or on stone that Life is Fair. The sooner you learn that, the better."
ReplyDeleteHello Silver, "no where is it written in blood or on stone that Life is Fair. The sooner you learn that, the better." I like what you said here, and this is so very true, but definitely hard for kids that age to understand.
DeleteWhen someone tells me the tribulations they're having with, say, a 4-year old, I'm thinking, "wait 'til she's a teenager!"
ReplyDeleteYou've described parenting teens perfectly! And I love Cindy's take on it: "as long as you tell me that you hate me just means that I am doing my job right, because I love you."
You done good, Jimmy. What an amazing phone call - without getting weird :D
I agree with you Abby, I think I'd rather deal with a room full of 4 year olds as opposed to one teenager when they are in "that mood" I always thought Cindy was brilliant when she replied to the I hate you's with that statement, I believe it actually cut back the I hate yous ha ha
DeleteThank you Abby, I am really blessed to have received a call like that and will never take it lightly.
I told myself that I would never yell at my kids; I didn't realize then that it was almost a reflex action!!
ReplyDeleteHello Fran, I think you are right in that it is a reflex action. I know our daughter in law claimed that she would never shout at or swat Benjamin, and on this last trip the first time we heard her shout at him I just winked at Cindy and we did our best not to laugh.
DeleteYou were very wise parents.
ReplyDeleteThank You Mimi, I appreciate you my friend.
DeleteLoved that door solution Jimmy. You got through to her in a way that would stick. That must have been a marvelous moment when she called. It proves that you did it all right.
ReplyDeleteMelissa was a very smart child Patti, you had to out think her to get through to her sometimes, and a simple thing like removing that door got a lot better results than shouting at her or grounding her at times, like nailing jello to a tree sometimes you got something to stick ha ha.
DeleteThat was a marvelous moment for me when she called Patti, I will never forget that.
Oh, I hate it when I catch myself sounding exactly like my mother. But such is life...hahaha.
ReplyDeleteYou did all right raising Melissa!
Yes I think sounding like our parents is the circle of life for sure ;-) Whether we want to admit it or not it happens to us all.
DeleteThank you so much.
Have a great day.
ReplyDeleteThank you Regine, A wonderful day to you too.
DeleteI think my cold, cold heart just melted a little bit. Melissa is lucky to have you, even though she didn't know it back then.
ReplyDeleteThank you Val, I think we all realize how good we had it when we were kids but only after we have grown up.
DeleteI'll keep the secret about your cold, cold heart even though I have a feeling that it's not really that cold at all ;-)
Our only child, now 37, was a boy so we never worried about what he was wearing, but I do recall pointing at our teen son and saying something my parents might have said, and I wondered when I'd grown my father's finger.
ReplyDeleteHey Stephen, And when you realize that you have grown your father's finger and are repeating statements from your childhood, is right in the middle of talking to your own child.
DeleteParenting is hard, so to get through it and end up getting a heartfelt thank you like you did is pure gold.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think I subconsciously picked up on the "short shorts" phrase when I read this earlier, because I used the expression several times in my Monday post . . . er, thank you :)
Hello Jenny, Parenting is definitely not an easy task, you never know if the decisions you make are right but when you see the kids grown up and living a good life of their own and then get a call from one of them like this, you have to figure that something went well.
DeleteHey Jenny if you picked up a phrase on account of something I said that's ok I think as bloggers we all pick up ideas and phrases from one another all of the time, and that's a good thing.
You're old school like I am Jimmy, and everything you've said brings back lots and lots memories about my parents and when my son was a teenager. I never thought I'd repeat the things my parents said or did, but sure enough, I jumped on the bandwagon.(lol) Now, I don't know if young parents have the courage to remove a bedroom door, but they should! Now my son is the same way with his daughter. I can relate to Melissa thanking you, because my son did that in a card once he turned 21 when he said if you hadn't been as strict mom, I don't know where my life would have ended up. When you get the thank yous, the hugs, the cards, and the phone calls, it makes you like something you did back then was on point. Great post! Hugs...and Happy Monday!
ReplyDeleteHello RO, Like you I wonder if any of the young parents now even have the courage to stand up to their kids by taking anything away from them, kids now are so smart and they have so many gadgets, and what most of their parents consider as discipline is laughable.
DeleteThey would do well to be old school like you and I.
That is so great that your son gave you a thank you for being the parent that you were written inside a card, it feels really good to have a child acknowledge you like this, and having that card as a reminder is a blessing.
A great Monday to you RO.
That's awesome! She was lucky to have you, Jimmy! So many parents these days are afraid of their kids . . . Or dressing just like them!
ReplyDeleteGood morning Bijoux, I have to agree with you there, parents today are scared of their kids, they won't stand up and be a parent to them by guiding them, praising them when they do good, and punishing them when they mess up. A good parent has to do all of this, there is no other way. Dressing like your child and trying to be like one of their friends is not a smart thing to do, but you do see so many of them doing this.
DeleteI don't see anything wrong with Melissa's shorts, her bum is fully covered. I don't like to see shorts where half the bum cheeks are hanging out, but covered is fine. I do think her top could be a couple inches longer, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI never took any notice of a slammed door, knowing that I've done it myself on occasion and by not making a big thing of it, the slamming didn't happen more than a couple of times. I remember the "I hate you!" and remember saying back "right now I hate you too, but I'll get over that and you will too". Fights were very rare in my house, I just took what they said and did as part of their growing up, probably because my Mum wasn't there for my early teenage years so I had no one to argue with.
Hello River, I really like the way you handled the "I hate you's", "right now I hate you too, but I'll get over that and you will too" that is a perfect answer in my opinion. With fights being very rare in your house with teens is a blessing for sure, it says that you were doing something right.
DeleteGood to see you River.
My daughter just turned 15. She is opinionated and stubborn. Throw in my wife who is not so slowly turning into her mother, which is far too complicated to discuss but let's just say her attitude about teenagers is bad.
ReplyDeleteThen you have me, stuck in the middle. I figure my lifespan has five maybe six years left.
Oh lordy they are definitely opinionated and stubborn at that age, but they do eventually grow out of it like we all had to do, she will pleasantly surprised you one day. And your lifespan will then increase.
DeleteThat is such a brilliant post. All of it! Dealing with a teenager and finally getting what you deserve. Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of taking the door off.
Hello Liz, I'm just happy that this was the only time I had to take her door off.
DeleteThank you so much Liz I am glad you enjoyed this post.
Awwe I loved this story. I have been in Melissa shoes many times. I could reenact her tantrum. I also raised a teenager. She was pretty good I must say, she never was rebellious but did have her share of mouthiness. We yelled at each other a lot until Nick stepped in and seperated us both before he lost it. We always called it “a mothers curse” when she would say “I hope you have a child just like you,”. Mine wasn’t nearly as bad as me, so I escaped that one.
ReplyDeleteLisa
Hey Lisa, I believe that you and Nick did really well raising your daughter, she sounds like a good kid, in spite of the tantrums and yelling because I think all of that is just part of both being a teen and raising one. You just may have missed the mothers curse with your daughter ;-)
DeleteBeautiful and for me touching too!
ReplyDeletei am also mom of one quite naughty and hyper active kid(14) and encounter such situations often in daily life .
i agree dealing with teenagers is really a TASK for parents.
I was easy to handle kid honestly ,and my eldest son(24) was to a cool nature teenager but younger one is more like your adorable Melissa she looks wonderful in dress.
your dialogues made me laugh ,yes these are most repeated things we say to our teeny kids .
Thanks to technology as one threat works so well for my younger one " if you won't behave i will not let you play games and you will have to write 30 pages of apology if you want it get back" and mission succeeded :)
Hello Baili, It seems no two children are ever the same, like your older son being easier to handle than your younger son. Same with us our boys were much easier to handle than the girl.
DeleteVery smart of you to figure out using your son's technology against him, taking it away and making him write a 30 page apology to get it back...brilliant in my opinion.
Really good Jimmy! In some ways, it seems like we have lived parallel lives, doing the same things (at least some of them). One of my daughters especially always had to test boundaries with me. She was smart, but was stubborn as all get out. Under the exact same circumstances, I took down the door, and got no improvement. I forget the exact reason, but out came the TV next. Then the lamp. I had to threaten to take the bed out before she saw the light. This all happened over a period of about 3 weeks. I told you she was stubborn.
ReplyDeleteShe is still stubborn...
Hello Pat, Lordy your daughter sounds like she would have fit right in with ours, I think the reason the door removal worked so well with our daughter(after a few days that is)is because she was the only girl, and having a door was the only way to keep her brothers from snooping around when she was gone, so she bit the bullet and apologized ha ha. but stubborn, yes.
DeleteI don't think they ever outgrow the stubbornness, but we already knew that didn't we.