Saturday, October 27, 2012

Another Statistic

Here is a fiction piece I wrote to include in Dude Writes October Flash Fiction challenge. The rules are, a maximum of 500 words, and using this month’s prompt of “When I saw it, I nearly cried…”

I hope you enjoy it.



Walking through unfamiliar territory can get to you, getting turned around and not knowing where you are can tie a knot in your stomach, the knot is there and just how the hell do I get out of here?

I was doing well this morning, my wife left me gathering our new camping gear, I actually waved as she walked away, I grabbed my tools and turned to see she had vanished.

I did the only thing I could, rather than leave it all behind I gathered up all of the equipment and began to walk, I started in the direction she had gone and called her name.

She was nowhere in sight and I didn’t recognize the area, strange sights and sounds added to my fear, the knot tightened and I began to feel that I was walking in circles, I was definitely lost, this was not a good sign, many men have died in these situations, and I really didn’t want to become another statistic.

I tried to slow down my breathing, the gasps told me I was beginning to hyperventilate, it was already late afternoon and I didn’t want to be here after sundown, I had to find my way out because she had to have gone the way we came in.
Nothing was familiar to me, I was suddenly in a strange land, I climbed on top of things to get a better view, I was no better off than when I started, all of the equipment was beginning to get heavy, the only choice I had was to leave it all behind.

I dropped the tent first, then the lantern, the last to go was my precious tools, empty handed I began to run, my yelling went unanswered and strange eyes all around caused me to panic, the worst thing I could do was panic.

Water I need water, why the hell can’t you find water when you need it, how long does it take for a man to thirst to death? It would be nice if a water fountain conveniently popped up.

Stop and look around Jimmy, get your bearings, look for landmarks, you can do it, use your head, if she found her way out so can you.

And all of a sudden there it was, and when I saw it I nearly cried, I had found my way out, the Exit sign showed me the door, this is why I hate going to the mall.
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Platinum Man Card Award
This post was awarded the Flash Mob Card in the October Flash Fiction challenge over at Dude Write.

38 comments:

  1. Honey, you didn't fool me for an instant. Stud walks SO SLOW through stores that I speed on ahead. Last week, I could see his head above the counters as he walked east, then west, looking for me. MY head is below the counters, so I went ahead and checked out, then had him paged. His anger and embarrassment at being paged was NOT fitting, considering the terror he was feeling running through the store yelling "mama!"

    VERY manly, you two.

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    1. I didn't fool Cindy with this one either Ha Ha, I suppose if we are ever all together Stud and I can sit back and watch you girls speed ahead :)

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  2. I thought it was going to be the grocery store because your wife wouldn't leave you alone on a camping trip, but still well done!

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    1. I don't know Joe, she just may enjoy leaving me out in the wilderness.

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  3. You really had me worried there for a minute, Jimmy!

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    1. Hi Megan, Good to see you my Friend :)

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  4. I was starting to hyperventilate there Jimmy, good grief!

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    1. Hi Joanne, Glad you got your breath back, I am proud you enjoyed it.

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  5. We ran a 5K with the kids today... before we did, Tony and I went walking through the cemetery at the top of Burial Hill (Where the race started, 1 mile downhill, 2.1 uphill God help us) and we were checking out the tombstones. At one point I wandered too far... and there I was "alone" in the cemetery. Creepy.

    And yet, still not as scary as the mall.

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    1. Hey Juli, I'd much rather get myself lost in the cemetery as opposed to the mall, the run you described sounds like you needed a prayer or two :)

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    2. Actually, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and we all shaved minutes off our best times. :) It was an excellent day!

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    3. Juli, it sounds like a win/win situation all around, Congrats on shaving minutes off of your time.

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  6. "I had found my way out, the Exit sign showed me the door, this is why I hate going to the mall."

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Jimmy, what BRILLIANT ending!!!

    You had me going there for awhile; thinking something totally different. I imagined you stranded in the desert!

    Bravo! Great fiction piece, buddy!

    Hi to Cindy!

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    1. Thank You Ron, I appreciate you so much my Friend, Cindy says Hi.

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  7. LOL...Getting lost can be scary anywhere!

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    1. Yes Mam and being lost in a crowd is much worse :^0

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  8. Well paced and a clever ending. Nice job.

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  9. LOL; you had me going to the end; I really thought you were lost in some wooded area all alone. Glad to hear it was "only" the mall! Good story!

    betty

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    1. Hey Betty, I am happy you enjoyed it, Thank you for your kind words.

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  10. Ha, well played sir, many brave men have been lost in the unforgiving wastes of malls.

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    1. Thank You Daniel, Yes many brave men have been lost in the mall, nearly as many have been claimed by Wal-mart Ha Ha

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  11. Goodness me, I had you in a cave somewhere in the far beyond. Well done for fooling me, Jimmy. Great piece of fiction.

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    1. Hi Valerie, If truth be known I'd most likely find my way out of a cave sooner than the mall :)

      Thank You my Friend.

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  12. The ending killed me! Hope you ar having a great weekend.

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    1. Hey Bijoux, Good to see you my Friend, A Great weekend to you also.

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  13. My wife keeps running away from me in shopping malls. ...trouble is she always comes back! (Only jesting - I love her really.)

    Best wishes

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    1. Hi Bryan, I think my wife tries to lose me in these situations also, the best bet is for us to hold onto the car keys this way they can't leave without us :)

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  14. Loved you post! I usually end up losing my husband in the tool section or gadget section of the department stores. We have a system he looks at the boy toys and I buy shoes. We agree to met at the electronic section because he is still there drooling over the latest gadget.

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    1. Hi Rachael, That sure sounds like a good plan, this way everyone gets to look at what they want.

      Glad to have you drop by and hope to see you again soon.

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  15. Replies
    1. Hi Annmarie, I take it you approve :)

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  16. Great job, Jimmy. I couldn't guess the ending. The mall is a scary place, especially when your guide leaves you to scout and forage for shoes...

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    1. Thank You Sir, Yes it is pretty bad to be left behind to fend for yourself in an unknown place like this.

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  17. Haha well done, Jimmy. You totally got me.

    Good thing you the camping equipment was put away. Doubt someone who can't find their way around the mall could find their way around the woods :)

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    1. Very True Youngman, I'd most likely be more comfortable in the woods rather than the mall :)

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