Why We Don't Fly

I think that from reading my blog you all just may have the wrong idea about Cindy and I, I am afraid that you think our lives are all butterflies and roses, cotton candy and peach ice cream and speaking of peaches and cream I think you all are not easily fooled so I will tell you some of our sordid past run ins with the law, well maybe Cindy’s run ins with the law, well maybe not actual run ins but some funny stuff that I had nothing to do with sort of because as you know I am always the innocent bystander.

Back when I was a single man I should have known that my dear friend Cindy was one I should keep an eye on. I was summoned for jury duty and served several terms seeing a lot of stuff I really didn’t like and my dear Friend Cindy got herself escorted to the parking lot of the courthouse after being asked to leave, she had been kicked off of jury duty, not just kicked off she was actually escorted off of the courthouse property all the way to her car for being something I suppose they really don’t want in a juror, she was honest. You how it goes they always ask the Grand Jurors if they know this person, have known this person, will have a problem coming to a fair decision about this person, the list goes on forever and Cindy had a question for the District Attorney before she could answer these questions, she simply asked if the person in question would be testifying and if she as a Grand Juror would be allowed to ask the defendant questions, the District Attorney rather than answering her question made the mistake of asking her why she was asking and she replied “Because if this person had done this to one of my kids he never would have made it to testify for himself on the Grand Jury” this is when Cindy was escorted out of the courthouse and not allowed to be a juror anymore for this term.

Before Cindy and I had married we were looking at buying a car, we test drove a Taurus Station Wagon, for you who have read me before recall the famous White Taurus Station Wagon, well this is where this vehicle came into our lives so to say and the first time I saw my future wife interact with law enforcement up close, Cindy was driving down Norris Street test driving the Taurus when she decided to “See how well the car was aligned” we were having fun when she stuck both hands out the drivers window and said to me “Look and how straight it is running” well this was a bad time to be both speeding and waving both hands out the window because she was passing a police car who was running his radar about this time.

Needless to say she was pulled over and after arguing the point with the officer that there were no registration or insurance cards in the car because we were test driving it she gave him her drivers license, I was kind of chuckling to myself because I knew this officer and was waiting for him to speak to me, I figured she was getting a ticket because he was one that would give one to his Mom so why would he not give Cindy one since the discussion had started so well, next thing I see him place his hand on his weapon and walk backward to the car, he is talking on his microphone attached to his collar and looked like he was shaking a bit, all I could think of was Barney Fife heck I actually think I saw him pull a bullet out of his shirt pocket and put into his gun, after a while he struts back to the Taurus with his hand still on his gun and a citation for speeding, he then begins a long “Bad Cop” lecture about how to properly drive a vehicle, The highly observant officer he is I was wondering why he hadn’t spoke to me yet so I leaned over and said “Hey Robbie” he looked at me and said “Hey Jimmy I didn’t see you sitting there, sorry man I was just making sure the car wasn’t stolen” then he had the nerve to ask “Yall having a good day?” Cindy looked at him and said, “I was till I saw you” he had her sign the ticket and we were on our way.

Now our little run ins are not limited to local law enforcement, there is a reason we don’t fly anywhere anymore, not that we are on the “No Fly List” or anything it’s just faster if we drive rather than spend time with security at the airports. Last time we flew was when we came to California to pick up that Mitsubishi from Melissa that had so many flat tires, we drove to Lubbock, Texas to catch our flight and actually got there on time, too bad we didn’t actually leave there on time, I know airport security is a big issue and a lot bigger one since the last time we attempted to fly, the big issue started with my crutches, they wanted to run my crutches through the scanner and for me to remove my shoes and walk through the metal detector and pick up my crutches on the other side, OK what’s wrong with this picture? I mentioned that if I could remove my shoes and walk through their detector then why did I need those crutches, they were explaining to me that they couldn’t allow me to carry them through, so next thing I know my crutches are going through the scanner with my shoes and I have an airport security guard under each arm escorting me through the scanner and on to a chair where they bring my shoes and crutches to me, Cindy is laughing her self silly then it was her turn.

Cindy places her pocketbook, shoes, and our duffle bag on the belt and steps into the metal detector which goes off very loudly, Cindy jumps back and they have her empty her pockets, it goes off again, now an alarm has sounded on her pocketbook and Cindy is surrounded by security guards, the metal detector is still sounding and out comes the wand, I am still putting on my shoes just waiting for my Cindy to “splain it” to them because I know that look on her face. The take Cindy aside and begin dumping out her pocketbook, they are going over her with the wand when they start counting cigarette lighters which Cindy always gets a free one when she buys smokes and throws it into the bottom of her pocketbook, who would have thought there were fifteen in there but that’s what they counted, and who would have thought that the wand zeroed in on the button of her jeans, the very large lady security guard who was not smiling looks at Cindy and asks:

Guard: What Are You Doing With Fifteen Lighters?

Cindy: I get a free one when I buy cigarettes.

Guard: Why Do You Have Fifteen Lighters In Your Purse?

Cindy: (throws her arms into the air and yells) What do you think I am going to do “Blow Up The Plane?”

 She goes on to say “Why don’t you dump out the duffle bag too because there are “Needles In It”

I had to drop my head because I even knew this was not a good answer, there were more security guards than passengers all of sudden and the duffle bag was being dumped, good thing we had a note from my Doctor stating I am a Diabetic and the syringes were necessary. The bags were repacked with instructions from Cindy “You had better repack it just like I had it”, they confiscated all of her lighters and yes I was still sitting in the chair only I was the one laughing now. To add insult to injury as I was walking by the table the security guard that took them from Cindy smiled and asked me “Sir do you smoke?” I assumed I was safe as I had no lighters on me so I answered Yes, I just knew I was going to be searched when she asked if I had a lighter, I said that I didn’t and she said well here pick out a couple for yourself, I picked up two lighters and did my best to keep Cindy from going back to have round two with the airport security guard who was giving her lighters away.

A few years later we had a drug house pop up on our street, this house was occupied by a single man who was a loner and seldom had company when all of a sudden there were at least fifty cars stopping by all hours of the day and night, to make a long story short I’ll jump to the conclusion when the police showed up to bust the house, it was covered up with Drug Enforcement officers and we were sitting on our porch watching when all of a sudden we were surrounded by officers asking for identification, I pulled out my wallet and complied with the one talking to me when I hear:

Cindy: I don’t have my ID on me it’s in the house.

Police Officer: How do I know it’s your house?

Cindy: Because I’m sitting on the porch and I don’t need an ID to sit on my own porch.

Police Officer: But I don’t know you without an ID.

Cindy: Well then go inside and search the house and you will see it’s mine and you will also find my ID.

I recognize the detective about this time and I say “Hey Robbie” he looks at me smiles and says “Hey Jimmy I didn’t see you standing there, is this your house” I say “Yep it’s mine and that’s my wife Cindy” he reaches out his hand and says “Nice to meet you” and you know Cindy she left it with, “Yea it was nice till you showed up”, Robbie put his bullet back in his pocket and our part of the search was over.